Hey, glad you came. But, uhm… I know I sort of invited you here, it wasn’t formal or anything, mind you, but you know… So, I feel I owe you an apology since I really have also other pressing matters to attend to and I can’t serve you as host, cater to your needs or hang out with you or anything like that. I know some people would be insulted, but you know, you’re not the only one around, as you can see. Still, you should feel free to enjoy yourself, I think, or don’t, if you can’t and usually wont, it’s your business… Some do… Anyhow, I’ll try to entertain you when I can, though it somehow seems so cheap, doesn’t it? I mean entertaining… Surely you can think of things to do yourself and don’t need to be catered to like that but, on the other hand, I do know how hard it is to do anything but entertain oneself in these times, might as well call it the onanesque era. And this business of entertaining becomes so disheartening, so passé when the thing you really wanted was something more, dare I say, something purposeful, and of course, it would have to answer to so many questions most people usually lapse back into some curious old blur and nothing really happens…
Let me welcome you, but with these words of warning; my cousins Randy and Orny are also here, somewhere, and if you feel you can’t appreciate their company, their insistent attempts on intimacy, you might wanna watch out. You wouldn’t believe all the things they come up with just to get your attention… Actually, they’re a lot like me, I mean, breathe in my rhythm and pump blood that has most accurate context, what? They even look like me and sometimes they are there always already inside you. Besides, there are lots of people here, so don’t feel left out or alone. Some of them will want to get to know you and will at least pretend an interest. What are others for when such is the desolation of these shores? Savvy? For now, it’ll have to do that I hope you’ll not be all too offended, I mean there is some tricky meddling going on and you must have supposed me to guide you or something, and I’m like not really here anymore, not on this page, or just around but not attending to the needs I know you have, and now I really have to go and, by the way, if it starts to get messy, just pretend you’re not there, that’s the easy way, you know, none of this has to be real. After all the creation is happening now, it might as well all have been a bad dream, and it might have been nice to get to know you better but if it turns out the way it was meant to, you wont be the same anyhow you could never be, and thus knowing this person that once was would be like studying outdated versions of your systemic programming. Ta-ta.
(So this must have aroused some suspicion. And who is the one looking at you as if from a distance, the one inside, that claims to be you, as if what it sees was not you when it is looking into the mirror? The thing in front of it, like just has to be what it wants to see, those kinda eyes that what is me should please, that cunt, not to mention what you are would have to fall in strictly, and like you was baking ginger bread you cut off the excess that just would not fit into the mold. Censor this person, tell him off, take off the mask and brake the mirror. Or let him in, make him feel welcome, but do make him dance and co-mingle—this is a party, mind you, secular but animated fisticuffs and atheist sorcery, tricks to make the bedsores agreeable and dandruff falls like a blizzard, disco-dancing and other hectic jog.
Then lift my arm off of your back heavy as freighter laden with guilt; you really didn’t make me happy the first time, disinterested rather, but I always had to see you, you was there, always in the fucking focus no matter where I wanted to lose myself, you were there doing these godawful masquerades, I suppose you had to, but made me sick like seeing myself masturbating with that honest pleasure of a child, white rose on Mother Mary’s lapel. I was outside like a helpless observer. Seven unwanted heads with an absurd body-throne regards to some lamentable atrocities would rather put out like lights, we do lead desert lives one by one particularly in particular and separate every time is the first time to be born, yes. So what is this business about absolute certainty, have learned to pass “knowing” with abstract symbols ersatz outright lie and mute the facts that themselves occur in mutations?
What is the self if not obsolete? Who is the fuck trying to convince me otherwise, I am right, therefore I am, still with the tongue that speeds light years faster, sprout old-as-cunt meaning like vines other such vegetation that has found roots into what trunk of palpitating dump palate-nailed-tongue laid aside along the road to exemplify the dangers of dissent. You talk in language or tongues, meant to be understood or not?)
You don’t negotiate, you negate that there is any such parties or positions with power of choice decision as a subject to make any difference whatsoever and some add accordingly that everyone lives as they have chosen to live. All the more profuse resolute motion to abide whatever crumbs may fall. Some discussion on the most perplexed of subjects should be suspected, if, indeed you haven’t fallen from the table where they decide on you are a fable, some personal doctrines surpassed in the order. Who are you to question the immanent truth? Their doubt underlines your right to decide. They know you are specified pattern on a grey scale of illusion; in their colors your camouflage is perfect around concrete walls and paved roads. Dissident, your knowledge of the rainbow is mere vanity. You are mute for the most of time and in the discussion evidently more oblivious than the others and like you feared, your mutiny goes unnoticed until they need enemies, but it's alright for you have existed in perpetual mutiny that is the nature of your love.
Your lack of participation upholds their despotic rule like a grain of sand under the stones that form the walls of a castle. This castle is an impossibility but a totality nonetheless if we disregard that every grain is an independent particle as such unique and occurs once in eternity, enclosed and predetermined in itself and not interchangeable like I am, my experiment makes me special but like atoms are ultimately quarks are ultimately energy is all that is, so what the fuck do they think they’re doing in that stealthy council? They’ve raised their heads to be crowned by the total sum of your potency. You bow down in inferior interest and they dictate/program the codes and barriers for reality as such. You willingly cascade into their labyrinth. It becomes you, the perfect and utter abandonment of freedom and of course responsibility.
The ideal of freedom might seem in itself pitiful, but freedom might still compel as the freedom to neglect sanity. Like for so many and for any excuse obscurity is a most comforting notion in the soft round clouds asylum. Mind you, it’s certainly not the only deluge for there are so many motives and logical conclusions that allow one to accept the disclosure of awareness in any given and thus cancelled perspective. It is a most forcing need to at least attempt on lunacy, and it is so obvious that you should do it, when you’re under the table. and the murmur of the voices in that council has become so odious, so compelling, so obviously true like any spiritual truth etc deterministic gibber masturbating the improvised theory of the unerring self.
It is the tone of supremacy undermining your efforts to include your hopes, aspirations and dreams into the Agenda at hand. And this Agenda is seen through as inevitably as time runs out on you. So damned oblivious as the obvious is, of course, all around and sparkling like smoked glass. What’s the hurry fumbling with fogged eyes like a stale trout on dry land? You wish to shut your ears off of my ravings when all along you were talking to your self and I to my self. You’ve heard my voice through your ear cavities, but you’ve never understood a word just like I haven’t understood what you’ve tried to whimper when you had the chance to try and communicate, my bad. You and I are both simply alone, cut-off of each other with possibly a vague notion of the states we’re incapable of understanding what it all means.
The agenda, as insisted is not ours, and appears as if no-one could really make any claims to it, and that’s of course the perfect excuse, just like Satan, but we would want to be a part of it somehow, if our wants did qualify the discussion. Nevermind the unplanned scheme of actions wherein we, with our ideals weighing us down, are constantly drawn under, out of sight. where we have nothing left to do but to inhale the mucky waters. So, you are perhaps more like one of those that kept sober and managed to see what it’s like when that thick smoked glass is broken, when the inferior rise to draw their crayons and depict their wants and needs, express a multitude of vulgarities and demand the absolute equality of all symbols to represent whatever, to get it all, and they will, eat up and throw up whatever and the words never end up digested. Seething spew, what else can you hope for with hideous me? I mean, rebellion is supposed to be so exalting when it really is like the old world sensibility, that what you have people will want to take, like redistribution of the roles as such and the fucked becomes the fucker, since to triumph you have to overcome others and there’s always bitterness involved, you know, like when you amass wealth you need a dime from everyone and they don’t really need it but if you could have them all.
But take some portable nothing to be carried away with, with it inside you as the elements all go stale. The notion of existence even more unfamiliar, if possible, you hate less feeling less but more bewildered. You can’t hope to remain untouched, and even if you could have stood it, you simply had to dare to expose a way inside, as you drew in air and the nothing whatever filth there may enter, and went sucked into the core of emotion. All the hard way in to the core where you exist single and next to nothing in intimacy. You took in hideous me, and all that designer -branded stuff and luxury, or in other words things you don't need, wont mask me by a long-shot, its still me, and I came with blades and hooks, I, the scarificator, my tissue clean of the unscarred immaculate filth, fucked at birth, every inch of me, and every new cell is immediately breached by the acids of the overkill-all trauma. Feel me with your soft tissue hopes and voice of silk yanked out of a caterpillars arse. Got it all with me, did you not?
And you couldn’t have wanted more, and clean off of the waiting list to qualify even the margins of the agenda, wiped out with a cloth designed for the purpose leaving no residue, no particles traceable to you having ever existed. On this important and historical list you have no right to enter, just so you know, and would be bitter towards all those who got a better deal for no reason other than Divide et Impera. Bittering. You are there with the disdain and all the other unwanted by-products, without an origin to mention of and no right to begin with. At least not the same right they assume by birth, arbitrarily, because there is no justice.
Now hear ye the dissolution, tears that scarred with rust the steel they said was stainless; don’t you let yourself be fooled. Posters on a wall evisticated by so many nails and pins still counting in wait to see the dust settle, settle like where I’m from, where my origin happened. The places we know are all in the past and we may have nightmares in stead of dreams, dreams wherein we are the bricklayers of wonders, and we are sometimes just amazed by the complexity of hideosity, voluptuously gorging on the beauty of these concepts innocence and purity, that we invented and put outside of our world. Then are we only terrified when we realize we perhaps should be doing something else or all of it, the things we found excuses not to do?
See through the canopy with your sore eyes, look inside and feel the pressing need to cover your eyes, pull one out if you need to prove something. One can never turn backwards, only inwards. Time is ongoing, its essence in debate, on the table of the council and for what use? Low glow, like light seen through closed eyelids, the pattern of motion when everything else is blurred like the trail of a snail on your retina, a mysterious symbol that signifies and is invariably forgotten.
Derision, pure mockery infiltrated into the agenda that is at present accepting only the brightest of lights, stars, as if the sun and such others represented time and thus would stand as ultimate samples of greatness and ideal models for all creatures, and the value of all the sparks flickering in shadows was just nonsense. You are of no-sense but all that is essence in the timescale of the agenda and whose is it, if not yours? Rise and become the fucker you are, goddamn bastard.
It is the market of the people controlled by the market only deeper and more obvious, like precision when picking grains of sand one by one as if those grains weren’t fractions of rock passed through the teeth of time. As we see it, we are deeper. We have it deeper within ourselves, deeper than language and thought. To illusory rhythms we sing about mystery unfathomed. And imagine the tunes of other solutions played with strings and fingers unheard of – of some other gods, some other worlds – they do sound somewhere. Never completed, so that we may dredge deeper singing a sonar song through the inner most awkward scenery. On this poor distorted route we travel, and this pilgrimage seems aimless, wandering on the surface of a scarred orb. So what is at hand should now attempt to breach the innermost awkward surface holding the infinite within us, and far from the table and the sires around it, who, possessed by control, are totally absorbed by the list gathered, the number of our heads, the number, the amount, the ratios, the standards. Scorned stains, black and white on thousands of tons of paper somewhere beyond the reach, and people are tired of reason, and reason of course is analogous to treason, which is futile, king and country are vapors undulating in the sky trying, on their own accord, to float away soon shapeless and dripping down the walls of their wind-whipped scenery props.
There is essence to our senses, lest we, as dissidents recalcitrant and perfidious, fall eternally with godlike powers but without a world to heed. Did some of us hope to have been angels by birth and not empty all without experience, pure and profuse, an elite without a taste of that pitiful created by mistake washing away the stains of our existence that we could then be the golden boughs and leaves of a tree infected by still possibly flawed reason? Did? And what some ditto-minded curl of an ape had to agree with, sure. What fucking nonsense is this instigation to always been better than thou and more deserving to have more than some other by birth fall into the roles of destitution and shameful depravity, sickens the sense, the instinct to detect injustice on the scarred retina of human self. I must say, really, I can’t concur and smoke out the councilmen and what women they had accepted grudgingly, they will emerge, lo and behold, just as bewildered as we, to take shelter under the table and maintain they couldn’t have done any different, what? Fuck no. We have no space nor mercy for them here as they had none for us. We are animals from here to eternity fighting for the freedom to express our human spirit that is love.